anger and resentment: restlessness

Anger and resentment:
I find that anger or resentment wells up in me when I am compelled to act while I have no desire to act. Anger or resentment also rise up when I am helpless to act while I do want to act.
Of course, it is from ‘desire’ that the anger in both cases arise. But there is no attachment to any pleasure in these cases. To quote from Bhagavad Geetha, “Doting on sensual pleasures, attachments arise; from attachment arises desire; from desire- when it is thwarted- arises anger; from anger arises mental imbalances like hallucinations; from hallucinations arise memory loss; with memory loss the person perishes.”
While attachment to pleasure leads ultimately to disappointment and anger, all angers do not arise from thinking of pleasures. That is to say that the reverse is not true. Yesterday I was angry at myself for shutting the car-door with the key inside. I don’t find any pleasure angle there. It will be stretching the point too far to say that there was a hidden desire not to have any problems at all and that implies pleasure.
Restlessness:
My mind has the bad habit of always expecting something to go wrong, something unpleasant to happen, or some unexpected calamity to befall; and the mind probes into the memory to find something to tally with the apprehension. And it invariably succeeds to find out something yet remaining unattended that may lead you to disaster. This creates a perpetual situation of restlessness.
‘Let anything happen! NOTHING MATTERS!’. Is that not a solution?

mental space and euphoria

With a billion stars in the sky, the vast space is still vacant, an infinite expanse. Can it ever be crowded? With countless thoughts in the mind, the mind’s space is likewise a vast and vacant expanse, which can never be crowded. Thoughts and images make it appear crowded. The space is apprehended when the thoughts and images settle down and are bypassed.
Let my mind expand in this vast empty space, ignoring any single thought, image, or memory of feeling that may appear in the expanse like a star in the sky. A sense of euphoria emerges now and then.
Reality and ecstasy:
The scriptures declare that the Reality, that is The Truth, is ecstatic, absolute ecstasy. But I cannot believe that the reverse is true. Any feeling of ecstasy, however absolute, will still be a feeling only and not Reality. Even in alert attention, in an empty mind, ecstasy can be at best only a sort of euphoria that can be confused for grace. It is in the realms of sensations and feelings may be the result of a still mind.

magnetism, life and purpose of life

Life’s purpose:
Ettan, my elder brother Devidas, is no more. To where did he pass away? Has he just ceased to be? Normally, these are too common place questions that have become mere clichés. But in the case of Ettan they seem very pertinent because he was a person who had studied and thought very deep into the purpose of life and existence, and also meditated to find them out. He seemed to have reached definite conclusions. Towards the end of his life he never seemed to have any doubts left.
The purpose of life is Nirvana, or liberation, say the Buddhists. It is Moksha, release from the bondage of the perpetual cycle of births and deaths, believe the Hindus. The purpose is to reach heaven and be near the Lord or be in God’s Kingdom after death, believe the followers of some other religion. For the existentialists the purpose is existence itself, living itself. For the atheists, there is either no purpose, or one need not bother about the purpose when one is to struggle for a living.
The purpose may be this, that or anything. But how am I going to find out? I don’t think it will be possible to find out by thinking and reasoning. The methods and capacities to do so are extremely limited. It can, if at all, be found only by looking inside myself, because the life, as I can feel, is actually there only, ticking. I have to find out first what life is before I proceed to find out the purpose. One has to look within and see what is there within oneself which make whole system function, and why. The purpose may then become self-evident. It has to be, for sure. The purpose may be, for all that, the process of finding out itself!
I believe that Ettan did fulfil his purpose, whatever it might have been.
* * * * * * *
Magnetism and Life:
If the molecules/electrons in an iron rod are arranged in a particular way, unidirectional, the rod develops magnetism. If clusters of particular molecules or nucleotides are arranged in a particular helical pattern, a DNA is formed, and that could develop signs of life. Magnetism being a quality of matter when arranged in a particular pattern, can life be also similarly called thus a quality of matter? May be the arrangement is more intricate and complicated. But that does not take life away from being a quality of matter.
Life has, of course, awareness. We must conclude that awareness occurs when life is formed. Is awareness also therefore a quality of physical matter? The flaw in that argument would be that life as well as magnetism could be an entirely different entity (divine) that jumps into matter when matter forms into the required pattern!
Without my awareness nothing is existent for me. Not even the awareness in others. There could thus be only one awareness, and that is in me. But will that awareness still exist when I am dead? That is, when my DNA system is dismantled and life on earth becomes extinct, will any awareness still survive to jump into another DNA when opportunity arises? Can looking at the awareness within answer the question?

disturbing thoughts - tackling process

All the programs are now upset! Around twelve O’clock I started for the bank. When I felt for the car keys in my pocket on reaching the garage, it was not there. When I went back inside the house to collect it the telephone rang up to say that the meeting fixed for the evening at the riverside resort is cancelled because some small time worker of a big party stabbed another small time grass root worker of another big party last night. That is fine. Only I have to post the letters which I could have handed over to most of the addressees at the meeting. I went back to the car. It wouldn’t start. I lifted the bonnet and started meddling here and there. My nephew who chanced to see that asked where I was headed to. I said bank. He said today is Saturday and the bank would be closed by now. Even otherwise I cannot move out because it is ‘harthal’ holiday. That is why he himself is seen around without going to his office. One miserable grass root party hand has been stabbed by another miserable grass root. Oh,hell! That means, I cannot get money to-day to buy the wedding present for my niece, I cannot go to the railway station to receive my daughter till six in the evening, and I cannot keep my appointment with my doctor.
The situation is very irritating and annoying. The obstruction to my plans must have been there in my subconscious, and that must be what made me forget to take the car key at the start itself. But the incident only irritates and does not disturb the mind because the circumstances are beyond one’s control. Yet the feeling that I had not been alert enough to be aware that it is Saturday and that I forgot the key, are annoying enough.
But a disturbing thought is normally too deep and would persist. It has a tendency to be insistent and in focus. If you try to ward it off you are sure to fail. If you refuse to think about it, it will pop up by the side on the first opportunity. If you divert your attention, it will linger on the side and wait impatiently. If you substitute it with some pleasant or divine images/thoughts, it will only pause temporarily.
But if you face it squarely, understanding it’s movements as an outsider without going along with it, it loses its energy. For example if you are suddenly angry with somebody for a legitimate reason and you are helpless to give vent to it, there will be no point in boosting up the anger by going along with the resentment and thinking of the incidents that led to it. But one can see/feel the anger welling up inside as well as how the feeling itself work. Once you thus perceive the anger as such, its sting is lost. The understanding remains and slows down the action of anger. You see that the anger is only a discomfort triggered by the incident. The incident and consequences can then be tackled with mathematical precision and logic.
Of course, even then the residue of the emotions involved may be there, but very easy to handle.
The above process is applicable to all fears as well, I feel.
But feeling the process is easily said than done. One has to be aware as and when it comes. It requires a lot of alert attention.

rebirth and skepticism

Is there reincarnation? Will I be reborn on my death which is not very far away now? Not that I want this miserable life or anything similar, over again, with only struggles and strife all through. The occasional snatch of happiness or pleasure now and then was not worth it. But is there rebirth?
Lots of people believe in it, especially we Hindus. It is there in the Bhadavat Geetha, clearly given. Many others also believe in rebirth of some kind or other. Para psychological research did extensive investigations into it. They point to some phenomena to conclude that rebirth is a fact.
But I have no inclination to believe in it, nor to be convinced on the basis of any ‘evidence’ described by them. It may be, of course true immaterial of whether I believe in it or not. It is neither in the realm of my personal experience nor in the realm of conclusions that I can arrive at by reasoning.
Doubt and conclusion are both functions of the mind. A concluded mind is supposed to be a settled mind, a calm mind. When the mind is calm emotions also settle. Even without logic and reasoning this is possible. Confessions or a dip in the Ganges can do the trick if other solutions for resolving mental conflicts are not available. But they need not have any relationship to facts.
A concluded and settled mind is a dogmatic mind. It cannot be an open mind. A skeptical mind is an open mind, a receptive mind, a dynamic mind with fresh possibilities.
I leave rebirth now to come up when I die.

life's struggle and mosquito

Smearing shaving foam on my face, I stand before the mirror. The moment I start concentrating on my shaving, the mosquito hovers around my head humming in my ears as if to sing, ‘I am not stealing, I intimate beforehand. Let me have my share of your blood. I am hungry!’ Putting the razor down, I try to chase it and to ward it off. Then I resume my shave. Moments later I feel the deep irritating itch on my foot, a bite without the warning! The urge to scratch is irresistible that I am compelled to abandon my shaving, sit down on a chair and scratch mad!
I am more and more convinced that this life is meant to be a mere struggle in perpetuity, and a strife against odds, pinpricks and agony. Yes: for me as well as for the mosquito. It, on its part, is compelled to risk its life, struggling just for a feed!

Life is a perpetual struggle till the very end, like that of the mosquito which now lies crushed between my left hand and my right ear!

stream of thoughts cover hidden fears

The mind thinks in a stream flowing erratically, and flitting from one subject to another, never ending, non-stop. This, I find, is normal, out of habit. But it is also to forget or avoid fears. Even while enjoying happy ‘thoughts’, it seems to be for camouflaging the underlying fears. When thoughts in words and images cease, the fears start popping up!
Once one is willing to face the ‘pure’ fear, with no accompanying words or images he is free of it. The fear is still there in me; but it is just there as a mere mild physical feeling or discomfort.

tasks lying undone nags through life

I have nothing, no particular task to be carried out today. But there is a feeling that I have forgotten something yet to be done. It is a continuous uncomfortable feeling. On looking into it further I find that it is a lurking fear with no substance. And it comes from a habit formed right from childhood. When you play, you feel guilty that you are not studying as much as your parents expect you to. When you are studying, you are reminded of some task entrusted by your teacher, but you have not yet touched. When you are working in an office you are again and again reminded of what you have neglected to do for your family. And when you get an opportunity to enjoy something, you feel guilty of leaving aside incomplete jobs or not sharing your enjoyment with your near and dear ones.
Is it a lurking fear of consequences?
I recognize it as the basic fear experienced as guilt arising from sheer habit.
A little more elaboration.
This habit of being afraid of some work yet to be completed, the fear of consequences of things left undone, the nagging discomfort that there is something one has forgotten to do that can create trouble later when as a matter of fact, there is nothing like that, persists right through one’s life upto the ripe old age. As a matter of fact, I could never complete with full satisfaction any of the jobs I had to carry out or I was entrusted/obliged to do by the Rules, Orders or Conventions. That feeling nagged all through. Definitely it points to the habit acquired during school and college days. One can never say that one studied any subject fully as one was expected to do.
The nagging uncomfortable feeling of things lying unattended is all along there in one’s life, and one has to live with it, happy to see it as its substance fades out. See also blog d 10-11-08