journey inward

RUMINATIONS AND REMINISCENSES - Ekkentros

From somewhere thoughts surface to my mind. I am curious to know from where they come, and therefore I start observing closely and carefully the inside of my mind. I want to find out what exactly is behind the thoughts that produce them and make them surface. After a close watch for quite some time I notice that the sources of the most important thoughts are my feelings and emotions of the moment.
There are different kinds of thoughts. Continuous murmuring thoughts are one type. If we examine closely we can find they are trying to conceal, camouflage, and cover up some emotion lying deeper in the mind from erupting into disturbing thoughts. Another kind of thoughts is the type that we use for solving mathematical problems. These thoughts that we use as the reasoning power, are most efficient when the mind is calm. As a matter of fact only when the mind is calm, the mechanism of problem solving can properly function. Reversing the role, one can also use these reasoning thoughts to calm the mind. When disturbed I have often tried solving difficult mathematical problems to calm my mind. For example, stating and solving the De Moivre’s Theorem step by step to ward off disturbing thoughts was one of the tricks I employed for years when I was younger. When thus used its function is similar to that of the murmuring thoughts.
It is the thought that is involved in solving a mathematical problem in the normal circumstances that makes me doubt the general idea that thoughts are conflicts arising from desire. What is the desire here, which is conflict? Can we call the desire to solve a mathematical problem as a mental conflict resulting in production of thoughts? That would be stretching the idea too far to fit into the theory. So, I am inclined to say that all thoughts need not arise from desire as told by some masters.
Important thoughts, or disturbing or nagging thoughts, have anxiety behind them. For example, suppose I am thinking about my printer that is given for repairs. I think about the possibilities of getting it set right, the ability of the repairer, the possible cost and the worry if a new replacement has to be acquired. The emotion behind all this is fear of expenses and fear of the unknown troubles I have to face. I may also be angry at the mechanic/technician who may be careless or slow. Another immediate example can be the very thoughts behind my writing these lines. Why do I write? There is an urge to express. This urge is an emotion in the category of happiness or elation. It is part of the enthusiastic mood.
But is there an emotion behind every thought? In the morning today I had been thinking about a friend of mine in Delhi and the nice time we had together for years. Our quarrels, our work together and the time we enjoyed. Was there an emotion behind those simple memories? Yes, there were. Pleasant and unpleasant memories boosting up or reducing the Ego. Regular reassurances seem necessary for the ego, which is afraid of its reduction in size. Fear seems to be the basic emotion behind thought most of the time because the ‘I’ is aware of its fragile existence and require constant boost. Even the pleasant thoughts in which we sometimes linger on and indulge in for considerable time have the emotion of happiness behind it, and that is why we are inclined to settle on them. But disturbing thoughts being more powerful, there may be a lingering emotion of fear hiding somewhere behind even while we enjoy the pleasant thoughts. I think that finally we can confirm that emotions are behind all thought. The satisfaction of solving a problem is also an emotion.
In noting down these things here I am ignoring what all any psychologists might have said. I do not bother to find out what they say and rely entirely on what I see directly from my mind.

So if thought has to be manipulated, controlled, or made quiet, it is the emotion or feeling that has to be tackled. Feeling includes all feelings, physical as well as mental. A slight physical discomfort can distort all thought. The sight of an object can trigger the memory attached to a particular feeling linked to the thought. Any temporary emotion, i.e., mood can trigger thoughts suiting that mood.
Understanding the way in which the memory is actuated by a sense object, or rather observing the way in which the senses and memory co-ordinate, can perhaps help tackle the feelings raked up by any sight, sound etc.
But the feelings or emotions, including any discomforts, arising from the body can be controlled, if at all, only by altering and toning down the bodily conditions and functions. I say, ‘if at all’ because the feelings and emotions that come from congenital body conditions or defects may not be amenable to any change. That is to say, that if I am constantly afraid, or if fear is the basic emotion in me because of a defective gene, I have to live with it all through, and I have no escape. Or is there a remedy? May be a mutation of the gene may help. But is it practical? A bodily discomfort or a depression caused by an ailment can be cured, of course, by medicines.
Now coming to emotions arising from the Mind, I have to define the Mind here as not the thought active at the moment, but only underlying memory and incoming sense impressions. Any incoming image, whether from inside memory or from outside through the senses can trigger an emotion. It seems futile to try to control emotions by using thoughts because thoughts are partly the results of impressions of emotions stored in memory. It is like one emotion trying to control or counter another emotion. Or like anger trying to replace fear. One may argue that the reasoning power, viz. the intellect is independent of emotion. This I beg to disagree. Reasoning power is only a tool to be used by desire. And desire will sooner than later succumb to emotions or feelings. Behind every reasoning also, one can find a hidden emotion.
Ultimately, what I find is that thought, memory, mind and intellect all play to the tune of the emotions, and emotion on its part is a physical manifestation in the body depending on the conditions, circumstances, and inborn nature of the body. A person with a healthy body and a good heredity only can have a good emotional balance. And such a person only can have a silent mind. Once you have a silent mind, it is likely that it remains silent even if the body loses its health thereafter.
Having said that much, does that mean that if I have a defective gene I have only to suffer with no hope? If I have a physical defect or ailment I can only resign to my fate?
Here is where understanding and awareness come to the rescue. The impasse is perhaps crossed by an understanding arising from a constant alert attentive awareness of the emotions/feelings, their behaviour, and their very movements.
It is not the thoughts that one has to be watchful about but the emotions/feelings.
We think the feelings, never feel the thoughts. (Gurdjieff?) It is by thinking them out that one exhausts the emotions, - unless one is able to act them out.
When the mind is quiet, when thoughts have come to a stand still, you stay with your emotions, the emotions being ever ready to burst out into vigorous running thoughts.
How to bridle the emotions; how to dam their outward flow as they churn into thoughts? By immediate, spontaneous action, or, by finding out the means by which emotions are made not to arise at all?
Will emotions subside when you stay with them with no thoughts present? I find that they do not subside altogether. But their intensity is reduced. One may be able to live with them as facts of life. A state in which the unavoidable disturbances do not affect the mind.
When you have a slight ache in the stomach, you feel that ache. It is there as a fact. You stay with the feeling of the ache. Does the ache disappear just because you stay with it, not worrying? It may or may not. If the pain increases one may worry and even panic. That is to say, you think about the pain, how to remedy it, what to do if it does not go away etc.,etc. If one does not worry at all, that is, if one does not convert or transform the situation into thoughts or problems leading to tensions, he may silently watch or feel the movements of the pain, from which observation a spontaneous remedy may emerge. Ultimately he may go out and consult a doctor. That is beside the point. But the worry, tension, and panic are not there. For this moment, you live with the fact of physical pain.
Now let us look at a parallel with an emotion in the place of an ache or pain. I am sad. I am also afraid of losing my job. I am thus depressed. Can I live with the depression as a fact? Can I feel the depression as I feel that pain in my stomach, without converting the depression into all sorts of fearful thoughts and ominous possibilities? When thought does not interfere, that is, when I do not indulge in thinking about the adverse possibilities, circumstances, and consequences of the situation, I stay with the depression as just another condition of my body. I feel the depression. I observe its movements. It is just there. It is painful. But it is not unbearable. A remedy may emerge. Or one may have to live with it. In the understanding of these things the anguish or agony vanishes.
But is it just getting resigned to fate?. Like getting resigned to death because there is no other alternative?