Monday, March 30, 2009
thoughts and moods
Fearful thoughts persist in haunting me because I want to ward them off and avoid. If I ignore they are more adamant. So, what is the way out? A solution is urgent but not forthcoming. It was then I chanced to notice that along with the thoughts I wanted to avoid, there was attached to it a depressing, fearful mood or feeling without which those thoughts have no existence. The feeling or mood was the one that triggered the thought, and was still lingering adamantly. The mood produced the thoughts. Mostly the thoughts and feelings are combined into one single unit, attacked and occupied the mental space. Therefore I decided that I should tackle the feeling or mood forgetting about the disturbing thoughts. I stayed with the mood however uncomfortable it was. It worked. Without the support of the thoughts the mood/feeling slowly subsided. The disturbing thoughts then had no place anywhere in the mental space. Feeling or perceiving or being aware of the restless disturbing mood seemed to quench it when attention is taken away from the thoughts
Saturday, March 28, 2009
surrender to wonder
I was really struck with wonder! Why, actually it was nothing to talk about, something that happens every now and then. But this time it left me astounded.
A trifle event. While eating my lunch a little miniscule chip of coconut kernel got into my side gullet irritating my throat. I coughed, and coughed; it wouldn’t go down or come up. I drank water. No, it wouldn’t budge, and is still irritating. The cough and sneeze became violent. I swallowed some cooked rice to push it down. Yet it persisted in irritating without moving. I gave up! Let it be! I surrender! Let the irritation have its way. I grunted every now and then getting resigned to the trouble.
Then, Lo! All on a sudden a lump of mucus shot out of my throat through the mouth with the irritating chip encapsulated inside!
I had not given any instructions for the mucus to exude out and attack the intruder! I had not summoned it to come to my rescue. I had not stored sufficient phlegm as ammunition. I had not constructed any mini-factory or gland in my gullet to produce mucus. I was aware of no mechanism that could shoot it out. Yet it all happened. This whole life is suddenly such a wonder! Things happen in my world of their own accord. I don’t do anything except indulging in useless worry, silly struggles, and small-time strife. What happens is as they should have happened. Always!
A trifle event. While eating my lunch a little miniscule chip of coconut kernel got into my side gullet irritating my throat. I coughed, and coughed; it wouldn’t go down or come up. I drank water. No, it wouldn’t budge, and is still irritating. The cough and sneeze became violent. I swallowed some cooked rice to push it down. Yet it persisted in irritating without moving. I gave up! Let it be! I surrender! Let the irritation have its way. I grunted every now and then getting resigned to the trouble.
Then, Lo! All on a sudden a lump of mucus shot out of my throat through the mouth with the irritating chip encapsulated inside!
I had not given any instructions for the mucus to exude out and attack the intruder! I had not summoned it to come to my rescue. I had not stored sufficient phlegm as ammunition. I had not constructed any mini-factory or gland in my gullet to produce mucus. I was aware of no mechanism that could shoot it out. Yet it all happened. This whole life is suddenly such a wonder! Things happen in my world of their own accord. I don’t do anything except indulging in useless worry, silly struggles, and small-time strife. What happens is as they should have happened. Always!
feeling as windows: instinct
Can I know and feel what drives my heart to beat, what force or power runs me alive? Can a fridge know or feel the electricity that runs it? Can a bulb feel the current that makes it glow? The current passes through the bulb and makes it glow giving out light. But the bulb has no capacity to know or feel, whereas Man, I, have the capacity to know things provided I can compare anything new with things I already know. But no such prior knowledge is required to feel. Only for recognition previous knowledge is required. So, I have the capacity to feel the power that ticks me. That capacity is my awareness expressed though my feelings. Therefore, is it through feelings, or, is the feeling the window through which I can look at the power that runs my system, the organism?
One is able to distinguish which are the inclinations, behaviors, thoughts, and emotions that come from human instinct and which all come from one’s information and knowledge. The first is inbuilt in the body and the second is learned. The learned tendencies and habits come from the mind, memory. But the instinctive behavior comes from deeper within. Why not look and observe through that instinct to find out what force powers and pushes it? The Source must be somewhere behind it. Intuitive perception must be possible on fasting and looking within.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
instruments of perception
I perceive. I perceive through my senses. Senses are my perception instruments. How many are they? Two eyes, two ears, nose, tongue, and the skin having sensation throughout the body. Is that all? No. I feel a pain in my tummy, an ache inside my head or a burning within my knee. That means that the sense of touch is even inside in a modified form. When my mind is calm and silent I notice the feeling of touch at every cell of my body. At the level of the nails and hair it may be mere imagination. But it is there, and I can bring about a feeling, an indirect sensation at their roots when I am sufficiently alert and imaginative.
And I feel that the eyes are nothing but certain nerve endings of the same sensation of touch, specially developed, where the feelings are super- sensitive in a particular way so as to detect light patterns. Similarly for ears, nose and tongue. They are also specialized forms of touch. So, I notice.
That means I have only one single instrument of perception namely, the sense of touch that manifests in certain peculiar ways in certain specific areas of my body, so as to see, hear, smell, taste, touch, and feel. Is it ultimately the nervous system which is the sensing instrument, or the only sense instrument? Yes. It appears so. The whole system can be alerted together when the mind is relaxed, silent, in a state of anticipation, waiting, expecting nothing in particular to come up. The mind is then ready to receive something entirely new, I feel.
Only, nothing new seem to come up yet!
And I feel that the eyes are nothing but certain nerve endings of the same sensation of touch, specially developed, where the feelings are super- sensitive in a particular way so as to detect light patterns. Similarly for ears, nose and tongue. They are also specialized forms of touch. So, I notice.
That means I have only one single instrument of perception namely, the sense of touch that manifests in certain peculiar ways in certain specific areas of my body, so as to see, hear, smell, taste, touch, and feel. Is it ultimately the nervous system which is the sensing instrument, or the only sense instrument? Yes. It appears so. The whole system can be alerted together when the mind is relaxed, silent, in a state of anticipation, waiting, expecting nothing in particular to come up. The mind is then ready to receive something entirely new, I feel.
Only, nothing new seem to come up yet!
Monday, March 23, 2009
chasing the heart beat
Early in the morning, I am sitting down outside in my veranda all alone with a blank mind. It is drizzling in the court yard in front. The atmosphere is gloomy. The lawn grass is all wet and the drenched orchids are drooping heavy. And I can see that the newspaper bundle lying on the iron gate is damp.
I don’t know why my hands are trembling. Must be the weakness of the nerves due to lack of proper sleep at night. I can hear my heart beat as if it is hammering off far away in a mill. I can even see the rhythm in the tremble of my hands. I counted the number of beats per breath. Seven beats of heart per every inhalation and two per exhalation.
What prompts my breathing? As soon as inhaling is completed, the urge to exhale presses making the breath collapse with no choice. The exhalation is fast. It is a sort of haste to come to rest. But only for a second, and then it is time to inhale again. The inhalation is a craving to drink in as much fresh air as possible from outside. The process, the urges and cravings, come from nowhere in particular, or it comes from everywhere. It is the very existence, my life!
But nothing like that is felt about the beating of my heart. No urge, no craving. It just goes on beating with no conscious control or power on my part. Wherefrom does the prompt for the heart to beat come? And wherefrom does the urge to think like this come? Thoughts come from memory of course. Memory is the storehouse of words, images, relationships, feelings. But the prompt or trigger for the outflow of thoughts is somewhere else. A continuous urge from an unknown source seem to pop them up.
Very difficult to grasp the entity that make the heart beat, the mind think. It looks futile to chase it, to find it.
I don’t know why my hands are trembling. Must be the weakness of the nerves due to lack of proper sleep at night. I can hear my heart beat as if it is hammering off far away in a mill. I can even see the rhythm in the tremble of my hands. I counted the number of beats per breath. Seven beats of heart per every inhalation and two per exhalation.
What prompts my breathing? As soon as inhaling is completed, the urge to exhale presses making the breath collapse with no choice. The exhalation is fast. It is a sort of haste to come to rest. But only for a second, and then it is time to inhale again. The inhalation is a craving to drink in as much fresh air as possible from outside. The process, the urges and cravings, come from nowhere in particular, or it comes from everywhere. It is the very existence, my life!
But nothing like that is felt about the beating of my heart. No urge, no craving. It just goes on beating with no conscious control or power on my part. Wherefrom does the prompt for the heart to beat come? And wherefrom does the urge to think like this come? Thoughts come from memory of course. Memory is the storehouse of words, images, relationships, feelings. But the prompt or trigger for the outflow of thoughts is somewhere else. A continuous urge from an unknown source seem to pop them up.
Very difficult to grasp the entity that make the heart beat, the mind think. It looks futile to chase it, to find it.
pure fear, moods, Truth, movements of mind, hunches
noticing movements in the mind:
The UPS inverter to which my computer system is connected is down. The battery does not get charged. I had told my electrician even at the time of installing that there should be a proper power plug and socket for the inverter so that I can take it off the plug when there is a short circuit or something. But he thought it enough to connect the phase to the fuse holder base, the neutral to the supply line and the earth straight to the earth wire. Now the only way I can disconnect the UPS is by pulling out the fuse holder or switching off the mains plunging the whole house into darkness.
My own foolishness in allowing this to happen by carelessness sometime last year annoys and agitates me now, pushing up my blood pressure and increasing the palpitation of my ailing ischemic heart! The interesting part is that I notice the automatic diversion of my attention from the malfunctioning of the UPS to the agitation of my mind and the beating of my heart. The increase in palpitation is almost immediate.
Now the problem at present is not the UPS, but the palpitation and the mental agitation. Normally the agitation should have gone unnoticed, attention being concerned with the main problem, that of the UPS.
That is life. I live with problems shifting attention from one to the next, completely absorbed in each. Nobody bothers to notice the mechanism of how all these are connected to the condition of the body, mind, subconscious and even further inside. It is not enough if one starts noticing things at the age of eighty or eighty-two. What a pity!
Insight Vs Reasoning
All my conclusions arrived at after considerable thoughts are wrong because the premises were either incorrect or were adopted unsuspectingly. The premises were inaccurate because they needed to be questioned and verified.
Every day we find in newspapers and magazines, several well thought out, well reasoned articles that appear unquestionably convincing. We believe them never suspecting their veracity, and are carried away by their perfect logic. We never doubt the authenticity of facts on which the elaborate and logical discussions are made. We thus get cheated by clever writers who manipulate and distort facts deliberately for political and other purposes, and cover them up with perfect logic.
My own thinking and reasoning, I know, is limited and unreliable. It may have several flaws. Yet I have only my own power of reasoning to go by. Sudden solutions coming from inspiration, intuition, or a sudden hunch may be often much more reliable and correct. These would need only a little check up by the reasoning faculty.
Why, if insight is much more reliable, the modern world gives so much importance to reasoning and logic? And we old people are inclined to agree without giving further thought to it?
The UPS inverter to which my computer system is connected is down. The battery does not get charged. I had told my electrician even at the time of installing that there should be a proper power plug and socket for the inverter so that I can take it off the plug when there is a short circuit or something. But he thought it enough to connect the phase to the fuse holder base, the neutral to the supply line and the earth straight to the earth wire. Now the only way I can disconnect the UPS is by pulling out the fuse holder or switching off the mains plunging the whole house into darkness.
My own foolishness in allowing this to happen by carelessness sometime last year annoys and agitates me now, pushing up my blood pressure and increasing the palpitation of my ailing ischemic heart! The interesting part is that I notice the automatic diversion of my attention from the malfunctioning of the UPS to the agitation of my mind and the beating of my heart. The increase in palpitation is almost immediate.
Now the problem at present is not the UPS, but the palpitation and the mental agitation. Normally the agitation should have gone unnoticed, attention being concerned with the main problem, that of the UPS.
That is life. I live with problems shifting attention from one to the next, completely absorbed in each. Nobody bothers to notice the mechanism of how all these are connected to the condition of the body, mind, subconscious and even further inside. It is not enough if one starts noticing things at the age of eighty or eighty-two. What a pity!
Insight Vs Reasoning
All my conclusions arrived at after considerable thoughts are wrong because the premises were either incorrect or were adopted unsuspectingly. The premises were inaccurate because they needed to be questioned and verified.
Every day we find in newspapers and magazines, several well thought out, well reasoned articles that appear unquestionably convincing. We believe them never suspecting their veracity, and are carried away by their perfect logic. We never doubt the authenticity of facts on which the elaborate and logical discussions are made. We thus get cheated by clever writers who manipulate and distort facts deliberately for political and other purposes, and cover them up with perfect logic.
My own thinking and reasoning, I know, is limited and unreliable. It may have several flaws. Yet I have only my own power of reasoning to go by. Sudden solutions coming from inspiration, intuition, or a sudden hunch may be often much more reliable and correct. These would need only a little check up by the reasoning faculty.
Why, if insight is much more reliable, the modern world gives so much importance to reasoning and logic? And we old people are inclined to agree without giving further thought to it?
Thursday, March 19, 2009
visitor from Venus
Yesterday a being abruptly landed before me in my dream announcing, ‘I am from Venus’. I was somehow not surprised, although it looked a little odd outside television screens. I responded, ‘that explains why a hallow surrounds your sphere.’ By the word ‘sphere’ I meant his head, because it was only a luminous ball. Its or the being’s body was a bright egg reminding one of Humpty- Dumpty. The friendly golden voice came from somewhere inside the being. And I ‘felt’ the voice rather than ‘heard’ it.
Being: I came visiting earth to learn about animal life. There are so many different types here. What animal are you?
I: I am not an animal. I am human.
Being: Human? You mean to say, an animal known by the name of ‘Human’?
I: No. Humans are not animals. They are quite differently made and are much superior to animals.
Being: I have already seen some of them closely. I do not find anything special or superior in you or your people. Whatever animals do, you also do. Eat, drink, defecate, make difficult noises, copulate, fight, grow old and die. The only difference I find is that you cover yourself with a lot of colored stuff.
I: May be at the level of the body I look like an animal and behave like one. But I am not an animal.
Being: So, you do admit that at the body level you are just another animal?
I: I do not admit anything. Body is equipment for me to use. Or the body can be said to be a pet animal of mine which I maintain and use for various purposes. That does not mean that I am it.
Being: Then who are you? Is not your mind also something that you use for various purposes?
I. Yes. Mind is also equipment that I use, for example, like a computer. My mind is very intricate and superior. Human mind can send rockets to the moon and further on to outer space.
Being: You mean like a porcupine sending it’s quills? Considering the vastness of the universes sending rockets cannot be said to be anything superior to shooting quills.
I: But the porcupine does not think. It has like other animals, only instinct. Apart from instinct, thinking and reasoning power, I can also develop my intuitive power if I want. Animals cannot do that.
Being: How do you know? May be they have, but is not apparent. Your reasoning power may be a little more advanced like your mental activity. But that does not take you away from the animal category. In fact that has lead to more brawls and intrigues.
I: I hope to apprehend Reality.
Being: That is fine. Apprehension and Reality may make things and animals different. So, you are different? But who are you?
I: I think that I am just a feeling of ‘I’.
Being: FEELING? You are only feeling? Hundred per cent fictitious you are, then! You don't exist!
And It/He Vanished.
* * * * * * *
I do feel within myself that I exist. Therefore I exist. But what the being from Venus said may be correct. Is it funny or stupid, this life? What is so great about being human?. Nothing. Alas! I am now convinced, there is nothing particularly significant or ennobling in this birth. I do understand that I am, after all, another animal on earth, perhaps having slightly different kinds of faculties that I presumptuously consider to be great. And I will die like any other animal whether I have these faculties or not.
Being: I came visiting earth to learn about animal life. There are so many different types here. What animal are you?
I: I am not an animal. I am human.
Being: Human? You mean to say, an animal known by the name of ‘Human’?
I: No. Humans are not animals. They are quite differently made and are much superior to animals.
Being: I have already seen some of them closely. I do not find anything special or superior in you or your people. Whatever animals do, you also do. Eat, drink, defecate, make difficult noises, copulate, fight, grow old and die. The only difference I find is that you cover yourself with a lot of colored stuff.
I: May be at the level of the body I look like an animal and behave like one. But I am not an animal.
Being: So, you do admit that at the body level you are just another animal?
I: I do not admit anything. Body is equipment for me to use. Or the body can be said to be a pet animal of mine which I maintain and use for various purposes. That does not mean that I am it.
Being: Then who are you? Is not your mind also something that you use for various purposes?
I. Yes. Mind is also equipment that I use, for example, like a computer. My mind is very intricate and superior. Human mind can send rockets to the moon and further on to outer space.
Being: You mean like a porcupine sending it’s quills? Considering the vastness of the universes sending rockets cannot be said to be anything superior to shooting quills.
I: But the porcupine does not think. It has like other animals, only instinct. Apart from instinct, thinking and reasoning power, I can also develop my intuitive power if I want. Animals cannot do that.
Being: How do you know? May be they have, but is not apparent. Your reasoning power may be a little more advanced like your mental activity. But that does not take you away from the animal category. In fact that has lead to more brawls and intrigues.
I: I hope to apprehend Reality.
Being: That is fine. Apprehension and Reality may make things and animals different. So, you are different? But who are you?
I: I think that I am just a feeling of ‘I’.
Being: FEELING? You are only feeling? Hundred per cent fictitious you are, then! You don't exist!
And It/He Vanished.
* * * * * * *
I do feel within myself that I exist. Therefore I exist. But what the being from Venus said may be correct. Is it funny or stupid, this life? What is so great about being human?. Nothing. Alas! I am now convinced, there is nothing particularly significant or ennobling in this birth. I do understand that I am, after all, another animal on earth, perhaps having slightly different kinds of faculties that I presumptuously consider to be great. And I will die like any other animal whether I have these faculties or not.
awareness of awareness
When one is feeling awareness within oneself, the senses are not involved. The awareness is looking, feeling, perceiving, without the aid of any of the senses. If the stored memory is excluded or ignored then the awareness is not aware of the body also as such. But the awareness still seems to feel the alert bundle of the nerves, the nervous system as a whole. Perhaps something has to be always attached to the awareness for it to express itself. A nervous system which can ‘feel’ has to be there for awareness to be felt by itself. Otherwise how will awareness be known?
In short, can awareness be aware of awareness itself without the instrument in the form of a feeler or perceiver?
In short, can awareness be aware of awareness itself without the instrument in the form of a feeler or perceiver?
enjoyment of fear; memory of moods; search for truth
Bad moods; enjoyment of fear
Even in normal day to day situations my prevailing mood seems to be one of fear or apprehension. And I fish out and retrieve constantly from memory, incidents, occurrences, and occasions that correspond to that mood. Then my mind converts them into streams of thoughts – very unpleasant thoughts! And if a real event of anxiety happens, everything goes haywire! Worry, depression and agony are triggered producing gloom all over. Perhaps on a lower key this seems to be the case for a few days every now and then.
Once I make up my mind to enjoy pure fear as a bodily discomfort, I am no more afraid ‘of’ anything in particular. The feeling of fear is uncomfortable of course, but not that bad because observing the feeling can also be fascinating. The excitement of those who dare dangerous adventures perhaps comes from this fascination.
Pure fear is feeling of fear, and not fear ‘of’ something. Fear of something is pure fear projected as fear of that something. The object of fear is only a reason that triggers the emotion of fear.
* * * * * * *
Memory of moods
When my mind is calm and silent, what I find settled underneath as a residue, is depression. The mind is still but heavy. Depressing thoughts try to bubble up to the surface ever ready to burst out.
Mind is of course full of memories. The memories are not merely images of things and verbal thoughts. When I look closer inside the mind I find more of moods, emotions, and feelings that can convert themselves into thoughts using the stored words and forms, than of immediate thought. A word, a form or an imagery remind one of a mood, and the mood or feeling at once jumps out capturing one’s present mind making it depressed or elated. More often it is depressed!
* * * * * * *
Search for Truth:
If I persevere and struggle persistently I may perhaps be able to develop a super-consciousness or a super-conscious intelligence in spite of my age. I may experience something beyond my individuality,- individual mind and consciousness. I may also have out of body events happening around me. Anything is possible. But all that is because I am a different type of animal, a little more ‘advanced’ in evolution. But yet I am still an animal being part of Nature and therefore limited by nature. Any reality that I apprehend or experience need not be the Truth at all, although it may be the truth for me alone, and for this moment alone.
So, should I not forget it all? I need not search for the Truth any more. I must stop the search. But I must continue the search within me to know my mind and myself better. I must go as far deep as possible and be content with such a search. Something new always comes up from the inner world!
The rest I surrender to the super-intelligence and energy of this universe that sustains me right now.
Even in normal day to day situations my prevailing mood seems to be one of fear or apprehension. And I fish out and retrieve constantly from memory, incidents, occurrences, and occasions that correspond to that mood. Then my mind converts them into streams of thoughts – very unpleasant thoughts! And if a real event of anxiety happens, everything goes haywire! Worry, depression and agony are triggered producing gloom all over. Perhaps on a lower key this seems to be the case for a few days every now and then.
Once I make up my mind to enjoy pure fear as a bodily discomfort, I am no more afraid ‘of’ anything in particular. The feeling of fear is uncomfortable of course, but not that bad because observing the feeling can also be fascinating. The excitement of those who dare dangerous adventures perhaps comes from this fascination.
Pure fear is feeling of fear, and not fear ‘of’ something. Fear of something is pure fear projected as fear of that something. The object of fear is only a reason that triggers the emotion of fear.
* * * * * * *
Memory of moods
When my mind is calm and silent, what I find settled underneath as a residue, is depression. The mind is still but heavy. Depressing thoughts try to bubble up to the surface ever ready to burst out.
Mind is of course full of memories. The memories are not merely images of things and verbal thoughts. When I look closer inside the mind I find more of moods, emotions, and feelings that can convert themselves into thoughts using the stored words and forms, than of immediate thought. A word, a form or an imagery remind one of a mood, and the mood or feeling at once jumps out capturing one’s present mind making it depressed or elated. More often it is depressed!
* * * * * * *
Search for Truth:
If I persevere and struggle persistently I may perhaps be able to develop a super-consciousness or a super-conscious intelligence in spite of my age. I may experience something beyond my individuality,- individual mind and consciousness. I may also have out of body events happening around me. Anything is possible. But all that is because I am a different type of animal, a little more ‘advanced’ in evolution. But yet I am still an animal being part of Nature and therefore limited by nature. Any reality that I apprehend or experience need not be the Truth at all, although it may be the truth for me alone, and for this moment alone.
So, should I not forget it all? I need not search for the Truth any more. I must stop the search. But I must continue the search within me to know my mind and myself better. I must go as far deep as possible and be content with such a search. Something new always comes up from the inner world!
The rest I surrender to the super-intelligence and energy of this universe that sustains me right now.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
God, Love, and Reality
‘God is Love’ is an accepted saying in almost all religions, isn’t it so? Should we not probe this statement?
What is meant here is devotional Love, of course. I personally notice within myself that Love, just like Compassion, Romantic love, Fear, Hatred, wonder and anger, is an emotion. True, it is the only emotion that unites instead of separates. Just because a feeling of oneness with the object of emotion is felt in devotional love, can we rule it out of the group of emotions and call it God? Is it not still an emotion that comes and goes? It is never permanent.
Perhaps it is because a deep feeling of oneness along with ecstasy is felt in devotional love that it turned out to be a good metaphor for God. God or the Ultimate Reality is naturally the original cause for the feeling of devotional love, just as it is the source for everything else also. Love with its euphoria and ecstasy is felt and misunderstood to be a substitute for the Ultimate itself.
Yet, this misunderstanding has some meaning when we consider that our awareness has always something or other attached to it, a thought, a mood, an image, a feeling or an emotion. Awareness is never alone in its pure form. In my case when the mind is bereft of any thought or image, it is a lurking fear that gets attached to awareness. And fear is one of the most disturbing of the emotions. For some others it may be resentment, anger or some other separating emotion. If instead of fear or anger, if the most desirable, ecstatic Love were to attach itself to my awareness there would be nothing more to desire for. Love being a unifying emotion, when it is attached to awareness in its pure form along with its euphoria and ecstasy, we can perhaps really call it God or the Ultimate Reality without touching upon the question of omnipotence.. There will then be a Oneness, a Unity of the whole, awareness, love, the universe as the object of love, the ecstasy and everything else combined into one complete entity!
The problem is only that Love has to rise itself from within, and cannot be forcibly brought in. I now realize the utter need for devotional Love.
What is meant here is devotional Love, of course. I personally notice within myself that Love, just like Compassion, Romantic love, Fear, Hatred, wonder and anger, is an emotion. True, it is the only emotion that unites instead of separates. Just because a feeling of oneness with the object of emotion is felt in devotional love, can we rule it out of the group of emotions and call it God? Is it not still an emotion that comes and goes? It is never permanent.
Perhaps it is because a deep feeling of oneness along with ecstasy is felt in devotional love that it turned out to be a good metaphor for God. God or the Ultimate Reality is naturally the original cause for the feeling of devotional love, just as it is the source for everything else also. Love with its euphoria and ecstasy is felt and misunderstood to be a substitute for the Ultimate itself.
Yet, this misunderstanding has some meaning when we consider that our awareness has always something or other attached to it, a thought, a mood, an image, a feeling or an emotion. Awareness is never alone in its pure form. In my case when the mind is bereft of any thought or image, it is a lurking fear that gets attached to awareness. And fear is one of the most disturbing of the emotions. For some others it may be resentment, anger or some other separating emotion. If instead of fear or anger, if the most desirable, ecstatic Love were to attach itself to my awareness there would be nothing more to desire for. Love being a unifying emotion, when it is attached to awareness in its pure form along with its euphoria and ecstasy, we can perhaps really call it God or the Ultimate Reality without touching upon the question of omnipotence.. There will then be a Oneness, a Unity of the whole, awareness, love, the universe as the object of love, the ecstasy and everything else combined into one complete entity!
The problem is only that Love has to rise itself from within, and cannot be forcibly brought in. I now realize the utter need for devotional Love.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
breakfast, soul and Donald Walsch
We are alone today, my ailing wife and I. Our house keeper cum-cook Sarada left yesterday morning after cooking and storing out food for the noon and night. She is expected back after a month. So, what is for breakfast today? No substitute cook is available with the agency that sent Sarada to us. The alternate possibility was the maid who was working with us earlier. But unfortunately she is already booked for two days to cook for a wedding. Today therefore we decided to have our breakfast in the Udipi Hotel in Town.
Then there comes the sudden announcement through a moving loudspeaker that one of the political parties has declared a strike cum-bandh for the day. No vehicles, no shops, and no hotels allowed. Only milk and newspaper exempted. That means somehow we have to fend for ourselves. There are eggs in the fridge. There are also some old slices of bread. I can manage.
Now, according to Neale Donald Walsch, -Ref. his book Home With God- the situation is created by my own choice, through my super-conscious or sub-conscious so as to experience the situation. There is no point in feeling difficulty or disturbed. If I combine and reconcile these ideas with my own thoughts, the following position emerges:
The Soul –I presume it is my individualized awareness- wants to experience all sorts and varieties of events from a collection of infinite possibilities (of the Ultimate Reality?). The soul chooses one at the moment. It creates the situation and through my super-conscious, via my sub-conscious it makes it possible for me the ‘I’, to experience it. But if the ‘I’ knew the source, the charm is lost! If the ‘I’ knew the source, the origin of the situation, the experience loses all significance, because the effect, the difficulty and discomfort that are to be experienced will no more be there to be felt. The entire thing is therefore kept a secret from ‘I’, that is me. Incidents and situations of my own creations happen unknown to me. That would make some sense, no?
But if ‘I’ is able to identify itself with the soul and the soul can in turn identify itself with the Ultimate, the Source, an entirely different possibility may be there. To use Walsch’s terminology, everything can happen ‘sequencetaneously’.
As I was contemplating as above, our old maid came and made breakfast for us. The whole thing was a joke played by my soul on me! Naturally, things happened sequencetaneously only!
Then there comes the sudden announcement through a moving loudspeaker that one of the political parties has declared a strike cum-bandh for the day. No vehicles, no shops, and no hotels allowed. Only milk and newspaper exempted. That means somehow we have to fend for ourselves. There are eggs in the fridge. There are also some old slices of bread. I can manage.
Now, according to Neale Donald Walsch, -Ref. his book Home With God- the situation is created by my own choice, through my super-conscious or sub-conscious so as to experience the situation. There is no point in feeling difficulty or disturbed. If I combine and reconcile these ideas with my own thoughts, the following position emerges:
The Soul –I presume it is my individualized awareness- wants to experience all sorts and varieties of events from a collection of infinite possibilities (of the Ultimate Reality?). The soul chooses one at the moment. It creates the situation and through my super-conscious, via my sub-conscious it makes it possible for me the ‘I’, to experience it. But if the ‘I’ knew the source, the charm is lost! If the ‘I’ knew the source, the origin of the situation, the experience loses all significance, because the effect, the difficulty and discomfort that are to be experienced will no more be there to be felt. The entire thing is therefore kept a secret from ‘I’, that is me. Incidents and situations of my own creations happen unknown to me. That would make some sense, no?
But if ‘I’ is able to identify itself with the soul and the soul can in turn identify itself with the Ultimate, the Source, an entirely different possibility may be there. To use Walsch’s terminology, everything can happen ‘sequencetaneously’.
As I was contemplating as above, our old maid came and made breakfast for us. The whole thing was a joke played by my soul on me! Naturally, things happened sequencetaneously only!
server in outer space
Now let me imagine that my mind is a Personal Computer that can be connected to other similar computers/minds through a special Internet. The internet here is of course, the minds’ good will of all affectionate, loving friends and relatives who have similar PCs. What I want to find out is whether there is any server out there with which my PC can be connected so that I can get information and wisdom from outer space?
I sit in an easy comfortable posture, and relax my mind and body. I try to connect my conscious awareness with any possible server in outer space.
Some images do come in the empty, yet alert awareness. But they are all unfortunately, clearly recognizable. That means they are only from known Hard Disk, may be a little distorted or manipulated. Nothing new. They can’t be from outer space.
The idea in trying to connect to a server in outer space is to find out the possibility of feeling the source of that server, the ultimate entity that runs the server, and all the computers, peripherals and everything. What is the software that can connect correctly my PC to the Ultimate Source Server Super Computer?
I sit in an easy comfortable posture, and relax my mind and body. I try to connect my conscious awareness with any possible server in outer space.
Some images do come in the empty, yet alert awareness. But they are all unfortunately, clearly recognizable. That means they are only from known Hard Disk, may be a little distorted or manipulated. Nothing new. They can’t be from outer space.
The idea in trying to connect to a server in outer space is to find out the possibility of feeling the source of that server, the ultimate entity that runs the server, and all the computers, peripherals and everything. What is the software that can connect correctly my PC to the Ultimate Source Server Super Computer?
Saturday, March 14, 2009
moods, thoughts, pleasant and unpleasant
Sitting in my veranda, I watch the thousands of yellow coloured butterflies that suddenly appeared from the nearby tree and are now flitting across the sunlit garden in front. The lawn and bushes are emerald green, now dotted with the yellow fluttering spots. Hanging heliconias decorate the background.
A disturbing image pops up in my mind and spoils entirely the pleasant mood. It is gloomy. A series of disturbing thoughts in a chain pass through the mind, connecting one with the other. I try to ward off the unwanted thoughts by bringing in some pleasant thoughts. The attempt seemed to succeed for a minute, but the mind soon lapses into the uncomfortable, because the ‘problem’ that first brought them lingered unsolved by the side, waiting for an opportunity to jump into any gap that might arise in the process of thought.
When the mind is calm, it seems to be an opportunity for any disturbing image to erupt in any vacant space in the mind. The disturbing images have dominance over pleasant images. Pleasant images have to be invited to the mind and deliberately retained unless they are extraordinarily strong and powerful to sustain by themselves. Even then their sustenance is never continuous. But the unpleasant ones pushes themselves in uninvited and stays put until the connected mood is exhausted.
Image creates and establishes the mood, and the mood creates thoughts, thoughts in turn reinforce the mood and the vicious circle goes on.There seems no other alternative but to stay with the bad mood, observe and study closely its behavior without letting the mood create images and thoughts that sustain it. Will it work? Moods and thoughts persist in old age. After all, eighty odd years of flowing thoughts lie in my memory!
A disturbing image pops up in my mind and spoils entirely the pleasant mood. It is gloomy. A series of disturbing thoughts in a chain pass through the mind, connecting one with the other. I try to ward off the unwanted thoughts by bringing in some pleasant thoughts. The attempt seemed to succeed for a minute, but the mind soon lapses into the uncomfortable, because the ‘problem’ that first brought them lingered unsolved by the side, waiting for an opportunity to jump into any gap that might arise in the process of thought.
When the mind is calm, it seems to be an opportunity for any disturbing image to erupt in any vacant space in the mind. The disturbing images have dominance over pleasant images. Pleasant images have to be invited to the mind and deliberately retained unless they are extraordinarily strong and powerful to sustain by themselves. Even then their sustenance is never continuous. But the unpleasant ones pushes themselves in uninvited and stays put until the connected mood is exhausted.
Image creates and establishes the mood, and the mood creates thoughts, thoughts in turn reinforce the mood and the vicious circle goes on.There seems no other alternative but to stay with the bad mood, observe and study closely its behavior without letting the mood create images and thoughts that sustain it. Will it work? Moods and thoughts persist in old age. After all, eighty odd years of flowing thoughts lie in my memory!
awareness and imagery
Observing the mind is a tricky business. Throughout when I am awake, sense impressions continue to come into the mind. They are all in the form of images, visual or other sensory. There are thoughts in the form of imagination and imagery. These come from memory store house. Emotions arrive mostly in the form of feelings of the body. They have also images in the form of impressions. Thus everything in the mind at a given moment is in the form of image or imagination. And they are continuously there in the mind throughout the waking state.
Most of the images pass off with or without registering into the memory. But something or other is always present in the mind at every moment for the awareness to notice and bring it to focus or attention. What is chosen depend upon the mood in which I am at the present moment. But there is no time when nothing is there in the mental space to be attentive to by the awareness. The mind is never empty.
In such a scenario, can the mind be absolutely quiet at all? That is to say, can the awareness exist without attaching itself to any of the contents of the mind? Is not the existence of awareness without something to be aware of, against the very nature of awareness or attention?
Monday, March 9, 2009
the worm's reality
When the worm dies the worm’s universe is no more. The Reality as the worm perceives, is no more. When I die my universe is no more. The reality as I see it is no more!
Is there a common Reality from which all the universes, all the perspective possibilities arise? If there is, that could be the Ultimate Reality.
That reminds me of the ‘History of the universe’ constituted by all the possible ‘sensibilias’ and ‘perspectives’ from all points existent and non-existent, as envisaged by Bertrabd Russel in his book Mysticism and Logic. The book was very popular, especially among Mathematics students during my college days.
cheating myself
All these years, I have been naturally assuming that all my thoughts and actions were willful and deliberate. And I have even been feeling guilty for doing wrong. But, thinking back, had I any choice? None. Every prompt and urge for actions came from my sub-conscious and super consciousness. And genes are probably responsible for my conscious actions. At any rate everything is kept a closely guarded secret from me camouflaging even the smallest of things that I may have to encounter in future. What a tremendously concealed secret way of cheating! That is to say, my subconscious and super-conscious awareness within me are cheating me without revealing the secrets. In short I am cheating myself.
Why should I not therefore probe inside and find out the truth, exposing the sub-conscious and the super-conscious?
Why should I not therefore probe inside and find out the truth, exposing the sub-conscious and the super-conscious?
Friday, March 6, 2009
probing the mind
If one takes effort and practices in order to get something in particular he may ultimately get it. But when you do such practice you have a notion as to what you are aiming at. Otherwise one will not be able to recognize the achievement when it is obtained. One therefore approaches the object desired with a preconceived notion. Reality, Truth, or Grace cannot be thus approached because one does not, or cannot, know its nature beforehand.
But trying to understand one’s own mind, how it functions and behaves, what all complicated functions are carried by it and how, or what is the source of the mind, is an altogether different matter. You are probing something which is already there within you, that is, within me. The only thing which is absolutely reliable to me for my knowledge is only my own mind. And one is just observing and learning from the observation. When the whole mind is understood, may be that one may hit upon the source that powers it, the energy that runs the show. But one has to stop the search for anything particular. Because search means that you know what you are searching for, in which case there is no need to search!
For all that, Reality may be already there with us unrecognized.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
death, fear of the unknown
Death is ok at the ripe age of eighty plus. Nothing to complain. But it can arrive at the most inconvenient or awkward moment as in the case of the famous Malayalam writer M.N.Vijayan who was very much younger. Death came to him in the full glare of cameras and microphones as he was on the stage facing an audience, in the process of talking. Discomfort embarrassed him first. Then panic reflected in his face. Later, struggle and collapse happened in quick succession.
Once you know that it is coming, perhaps there can be nothing much to bother or panic, unless one has pain. Death is inevitable and one has to be ready. My father’s youngest brother Raghava Menon, a retired Headmaster, sensed his end, asked his wife to spread a mat on the floor in the exact position he knew was proper for a dead body, laid himself on it, and passed away peacefully in a few moments!
Fear of the unknown creates panic. If I have a cold I don’t panic. I put up with the discomfort for a couple of days with the full knowledge that it will go away. If it persists and becomes painful, then I start panicking, not knowing what exactly could be its nature. The pain is then exaggerated and aggravated by the panic. And if the doctor told me it was not cold but something more serious like the onslaught of cancer, there will be sudden panic and shock at first. Yet one may be prepared to face the ultimate, and suffer the inevitable pain without further anguish increasing the suffering.
Fear of the unknown has to be tackled only as pure fear, a physical discomfort.
Once you know that it is coming, perhaps there can be nothing much to bother or panic, unless one has pain. Death is inevitable and one has to be ready. My father’s youngest brother Raghava Menon, a retired Headmaster, sensed his end, asked his wife to spread a mat on the floor in the exact position he knew was proper for a dead body, laid himself on it, and passed away peacefully in a few moments!
Fear of the unknown creates panic. If I have a cold I don’t panic. I put up with the discomfort for a couple of days with the full knowledge that it will go away. If it persists and becomes painful, then I start panicking, not knowing what exactly could be its nature. The pain is then exaggerated and aggravated by the panic. And if the doctor told me it was not cold but something more serious like the onslaught of cancer, there will be sudden panic and shock at first. Yet one may be prepared to face the ultimate, and suffer the inevitable pain without further anguish increasing the suffering.
Fear of the unknown has to be tackled only as pure fear, a physical discomfort.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
deeper into mind
The expression ‘deeper and deeper into the mind’ is not actually very precise. The mind has several directions and angles that can be probed. Why depth alone? Let us compare it to a computer which is somewhat similar to our brains:
1. The computer is powered by electricity through the power supply unit. Power makes the computer capable of working, and without it the computer is useless. The parallel in the mind is the Life Force which keeps the brains alive. This is the awareness of the body and brain cells.
When you probe deeper and deeper, backwards from the thought processes, can you reach the life force or the awareness of the cells? Awareness or attention, meaning focused awareness, is perhaps the power that ticks the brain. But that does not seem to explain the several intricate functions of the mind.
2. Computer has BIOS with built in memory. There is of course the built in memory in the brain, which enables the heart to beat, lungs to breathe, stomach to digest etc, etc. and also the brain to compute and mind to think. This is already there right from birth, inherited through genes from parents and forefathers.
3. Computer has RAM, the working memory. The working memory in Man is the immediate memory that can be recalled at will either from the brain or sometimes instinctively from the genes.
4. Computer uses memory storage devices like the Hard Disc, CD, or Pen Drive, and the like. All that has been stored in the human mind from birth to the present time constitute the Hard Disc, CD, and other storage devices.
5. Now comes the difficult part. Out sourced Servers have their own memory as well as memory in the Internet that supplies the computers information not available locally. Is there any parallel in life? Are there any servers there, far in outer-space somewhere, that have data and information kept ready for supply to brain servers on special requests(IRQs!). Can the human brain be specially configured by meditation to receive them?
1. The computer is powered by electricity through the power supply unit. Power makes the computer capable of working, and without it the computer is useless. The parallel in the mind is the Life Force which keeps the brains alive. This is the awareness of the body and brain cells.
When you probe deeper and deeper, backwards from the thought processes, can you reach the life force or the awareness of the cells? Awareness or attention, meaning focused awareness, is perhaps the power that ticks the brain. But that does not seem to explain the several intricate functions of the mind.
2. Computer has BIOS with built in memory. There is of course the built in memory in the brain, which enables the heart to beat, lungs to breathe, stomach to digest etc, etc. and also the brain to compute and mind to think. This is already there right from birth, inherited through genes from parents and forefathers.
3. Computer has RAM, the working memory. The working memory in Man is the immediate memory that can be recalled at will either from the brain or sometimes instinctively from the genes.
4. Computer uses memory storage devices like the Hard Disc, CD, or Pen Drive, and the like. All that has been stored in the human mind from birth to the present time constitute the Hard Disc, CD, and other storage devices.
5. Now comes the difficult part. Out sourced Servers have their own memory as well as memory in the Internet that supplies the computers information not available locally. Is there any parallel in life? Are there any servers there, far in outer-space somewhere, that have data and information kept ready for supply to brain servers on special requests(IRQs!). Can the human brain be specially configured by meditation to receive them?
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