enjoyment of fear; memory of moods; search for truth

Bad moods; enjoyment of fear
Even in normal day to day situations my prevailing mood seems to be one of fear or apprehension. And I fish out and retrieve constantly from memory, incidents, occurrences, and occasions that correspond to that mood. Then my mind converts them into streams of thoughts – very unpleasant thoughts! And if a real event of anxiety happens, everything goes haywire! Worry, depression and agony are triggered producing gloom all over. Perhaps on a lower key this seems to be the case for a few days every now and then.
Once I make up my mind to enjoy pure fear as a bodily discomfort, I am no more afraid ‘of’ anything in particular. The feeling of fear is uncomfortable of course, but not that bad because observing the feeling can also be fascinating. The excitement of those who dare dangerous adventures perhaps comes from this fascination.
Pure fear is feeling of fear, and not fear ‘of’ something. Fear of something is pure fear projected as fear of that something. The object of fear is only a reason that triggers the emotion of fear.
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Memory of moods
When my mind is calm and silent, what I find settled underneath as a residue, is depression. The mind is still but heavy. Depressing thoughts try to bubble up to the surface ever ready to burst out.
Mind is of course full of memories. The memories are not merely images of things and verbal thoughts. When I look closer inside the mind I find more of moods, emotions, and feelings that can convert themselves into thoughts using the stored words and forms, than of immediate thought. A word, a form or an imagery remind one of a mood, and the mood or feeling at once jumps out capturing one’s present mind making it depressed or elated. More often it is depressed!
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Search for Truth:
If I persevere and struggle persistently I may perhaps be able to develop a super-consciousness or a super-conscious intelligence in spite of my age. I may experience something beyond my individuality,- individual mind and consciousness. I may also have out of body events happening around me. Anything is possible. But all that is because I am a different type of animal, a little more ‘advanced’ in evolution. But yet I am still an animal being part of Nature and therefore limited by nature. Any reality that I apprehend or experience need not be the Truth at all, although it may be the truth for me alone, and for this moment alone.
So, should I not forget it all? I need not search for the Truth any more. I must stop the search. But I must continue the search within me to know my mind and myself better. I must go as far deep as possible and be content with such a search. Something new always comes up from the inner world!
The rest I surrender to the super-intelligence and energy of this universe that sustains me right now.